Public Apologies are one of our newest and most useful tools in deluding the current generation of patients. A modicum of subtlety is required – which you demonstrate on your better days – for optimal results. You have already been taught the basics: now is the time for you to get your patient to practice this most useful activity.
However, as your mentor, I must mention a few points which cannot be too often repeated.
First: never forget that your patient must confess loudly the sins of others – but not his own. Confessing the sins of others is a congenial pass-time leading to the rapid growth of complacent pride: which is most useful to us. Confessing one’s own sins puts the patient in deadly peril – for it opens a route to humility and the possibility of real repentance. Happily for us, keeping your patient focused on pointing out the sins of others is an easy matter: just be sure he daily checks his social media and news feeds – which our agents continually update with the most violent, salacious, and titillating stories possible.
Second: ensure your patient starts making false public apologies a habit. This should be easy enough: because denouncing others allows every patient to feel good about themselves – avoiding all of the personal sacrifices that accompany really being good. Remind your patient of the joys of occupying the moral high ground that is all part and parcel of confessing the sins of others: and stress continually the pain which accompanies confessing one’s own sins. Our message is simple: “pain is evil and must be avoided” – something our Propaganda Department is constantly broadcasting through all the usual channels.
Third: ensure your patient expresses their false public apologies to as many as possible, in as many different fora as possible, as loudly as possible, for as long as possible. Teach him that “a virtuous person is not one who practices virtue – but one who expresses the correct viewpoint”, and therefore the most virtuous person expresses the correct view the most loudly and most often. Be careful to avoid anything that might spur the patient to action: patients who begin acting virtuously have been known to trigger The Enemy’s deadliest weapon – Grace – against which we are helpless. But nothing ventured, nothing gained: and we take comfort from most patients’ natural aversion to any kind of positive action. With our help, every patient will embrace our motto of “more talk – less action”!
Finally: cultivate your patient’s comfortable feeling of self-satisfaction. False public apologies naturally lead the patient to expressing themselves in terms of grandiose unctuous moralizing. Encourage such sentiments by every means at your disposal: for self-satisfied patients rarely – if ever – bother taking concrete action of any kind. Your patient should, by this stage, feel in high spirits for having exposed the sins of others: which lesson is reinforced whenever you helpfully remind him of his own shame should his own faults ever be similarly exposed. Hypocrisy is such a wonderful tool of the trade!
I trust that you will apply my suggestions assiduously and dutifully. If you do, your patient’s presumptuous pride cannot but flourish – and so, in time, we may safely usher him to a warm welcome in our Father’s House.
Your loving uncle,