All About Parties

party dancing


So you want to host or attend a party. But what makes for a “good party” anyway?

There’s no need to panic: help is at hand. To be classed as a bona fide “party” in contemporary western culture, any party must include the following mandatory elements:

1. Music

Party music must be “rhythmically dense” (ie. contain pounding drums and thumping bass) being played at a “sustained dance-volume” (ie. able to rupture eardrums at least one city block away). Party music must be this loud to assist conversation: by drowning out all the nonsense party-goers typically spout at each other during parties. Party music not only renders party-goers proof against stupid commentary: it also allows every talker to bask in incontestable self-admiration regarding their stunning conversationalist skills, their witty jokes, etcetera.

2. Alcohol

Party goers need to consume vast quantities of alcohol to transform themselves into stunning conversationalists (see above).

3. Light.

Light is vitally important for creating the right party-ambience.

  • Strobe-lighting creates fantastic alternating patterns of woven light and dark that reflect the confusing nature of reality inside the alcohol-soaked party-goer’s mind.
  • Coloured lighting creates a phantasmagoric sense of unreality synced to the increasing concentration of alcohol paralysing the party-goer’s senses.
  • Lack of lighting creates dark corners for party-goers to stagger into and pass out.

4. Freedom

Loud music, alcohol, and lighting all combine to liberate party-goers into a terrific sense of freedom. Party-goer freedom means the freedom to: talk stupid without anyone hearing (see “music” above), and act stupid without anyone seeing (see “light” above).

More specifically:

  • Words misheard can be later conveniently explained away by the presence of loud music.
  • Actions mis-seen can be later conveniently explained away by the presence of weird lighting. And
  • All words and actions can later be plausibly denied by virtue of the presence of alcohol. Q.E.D.


The party neophyte might possibly retain some misapprehensions at this point. They might question – why they should attend parties to: speak to people they really can’t hear, meet people they really can’t see, or consume enough alcohol to pickle a pachyderm so as to be really free to speak and act stupidly so they can later plausibly deny remembering anything?

To this, we must solemnly reply to the neophyte that they have most emphatically missed the point. The best parties – all experienced party-goers agree – are those you cannot remember.

And if the neophyte persists in arguing that the above is simply a jumble of hazy logic bound together with mutually self-contradictory statements: then it must be sadly concluded that said neophyte has not been born to party.