What if Jesus came back? – Raising the Dead

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Raising the Dead

If Jesus came back today, doing and saying what he did and said 20 centuries ago: how many religious church-goers would welcome Him with open arms, dropping everything to follow Him?

Do today’s church-goers really know the Jesus whom they claim to serve? Or do they worship an imaginary Jesus of their own fashioning as a comfortable substitute?

If Jesus came back today, I think the likely popular reaction would be the following…


[Anchor] The deranged Jesus ben Joseph has been up to his usual shock tactics – causing yet another stir by interrupting a funeral procession. Our reporter gives us this story.

[Reporter] The renegade cleric forcibly halted a funeral procession today, just before the hearse could turn into main cemetery. After conferring briefly with the mother of the recently-deceased, the radical Jesus ben Joseph forced open the rear doors of the hearse and shouted at the man inside the coffin to “come out”. The confined individual – who was mistakenly pronounced dead by medical authorities three days ago – rose out of his coffin and exited the hearse to the astonishment of everyone in the vicinity. After the initial shock from this deplorable stunt had worn off, the public voiced their outrage.

[Sobbing Mother in background] My son! He’s alive! Praise God!

[Morgue spokesman] It appears that a junior staffer mistakenly certified a catatonic man as dead three days ago. It’s quite possible – although, I must emphasise, very rare. We are taking this mishap very seriously. I have never known a misdiagnosis of this kind to have ever happened before… We’re cooperating fully with police and we have suspended the staff member in question pending our own internal investigation.

[Civil Liberties spokesman] How many wrongly diagnosed dead people are out there now? This is only the tip of the iceberg! We urge all misdiagnosed dead people to contact us so we can help you get back on your feet…

[Officiating Cleric] Disgraceful! How dare this Jesus person disrupt carefully planned funerary arrangements! How about his subjecting the relatives of the ex-deceased to their now needless trauma, unnecessary expense, and wasted grief? How selfish and self-aggrandising! I must clearly state publicly that we will not be providing any refunds for this or any other reason…

[Archbishop] We emphatically deny that this Jesus ben Joseph raised the dead. The age of miracles has passed, as already decided by our highest and holiest Church Councils. We are in the age of reason… We communicate our condolences to all concerned at this alarming turn of events: especially to the family of the undead person, who, I am sure, are very confused by all that’s happened…

[Bystander] I think this whole “raising the dead” thing is in extremely bad taste…

[Reporter] Eye-witnesses are receiving counseling as they try to recover from today’s distressing events. We were unable to contact Mr Jesus for an interview. Authorities we contacted are investigating further to determine if charges will be laid.

[Anchor] Disrupting funeral services: what prank will Mr Jesus pull next? Coming up, the live traffic report… Jesus raises the dead

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