O Portentous Scoop, O 24/7 Rumour-mill
May your scurrilous anecdotes and dubious news-sources never dry up!
May new scandals come to light,
May my news-ratings skyrocket and earn me salary bonuses.
As I declaim today: popular misinformation, headline-grabbing distortions, and sensational falsehoods.
Deliver me from the necessity to publicly retract anything,
While my libelous stories are promoted across all media platforms.
Let my blatant antiestablishment, anti-capitalist, anti-Christian, pro-euthanasia, pro-abortion, pro-feminist, pro-Islamic, pro-homosexual, pro-environmental biases remain unchallenged,
While my satires, diatribes and harangues routinely lambast all I disagree with.
For the stories, the headlines, and the spin are mine
As long as news-stories are read by the vulgar masses.